Reflectionson a Long and BlessedLife No. 51: Glendale California: Challenges and Joy

After serving as principal and teacher at St. Paul’s Lutheran School in Tracy, California for four years I accepted a call to Zion Lutheran Church and School in Glendale, California. We were there only two years and the two years were years full of challenge and joy.

CHALLENGES. My basic assignment in Glendale was to open a new school. In contrast to what was happening to Lutheran schools in many other Los Angeles areas it was tough getting enrollment at Zion. The congregation’s median age was well beyond child bearing. The school was located downtown on a small lot. Public transportation was unavailable. The public schools were good. I gave it my best shot, even personally picking up and delivering back home at my own expense several students who lived a distance away. The school grew very slowly. We had only13 students in grades 1-4, all in one room. Yet, the school did grow eventually enrolling well over 100 until many years later the elementary grades were dropped and a strong early childhood program still flourishes.

Our financial situation and living arrangements left much to be desired. When we arrived the congregation had rented for us a small upstairs apartment with the landlady living on the same floor with us She took it upon herself to  teach our young son David “how to behave properly” and as part of that process spanked him when she thought that was what he needed. My salary was $200.00 a month (plus that apartment).One of the members suggested that it was time for me to get a credit card. I applied for a card for gasoline only with Texaco. My application was denied because  of ”insufficient income”.

Jane was asked to serve as the congregation’s organist and choir director. However among other demands there were these two: when the Sunday School children left the church to go to their individual  classrooms they must always without exception, march out to the tune of “Onward Christian Soldiers”. Every single worship service must end with  singing  exactly the same hymn. Our pastor was very conservative. Once we had dinner at his home with some guests. He offered the table grace. But after the guests had left he spoke with me. He explained that he hoped he had not done wrong by inappropriately joining in prayer with people who were not Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod members. He explained that the guests were actually Wisconsin Synod Lutherans.

JOY. We had left Tracy which was a wonderful small city of 10,000 residents heavily related to the agricultural community which surrounded it. Glendale is an integral part of the greater Los Angles area. We took in many of the wonderful offerings that were right there. We listened to music at he Hollywood Bowl. We loved taking guests to the Grauman Chinese Theater, to Hollywood and Vine, to the homes of the stars in Beverly Hills. It was great to go to the Rose Bowl Parade and watch football there and at the L.A. Coliseum. I remember the extravagance of eating at a famous restaurant in the La Cienega area.  Two friends took us there for a farewell dinner. It was the most expensive meal I had ever eaten: the wonderful steak cost an extravagant total of $4.00. ( Remember this was 1956 !) I must also admit that already in those years the city was often clouded over by a terrible layer of dark and heavy smog.

As is true wherever one lives; we were with some wonderful people. The DeVillers treated us with affection and affirmation. Mr. Roth saw to it that he always brought a good supply of beer when he came. Parents of my pupils invited us to their homes for dinner. The principals of the surrounding Lutheran schools were a marvelous source of learning, support and encouragement. I sang in an all-male chorus that practiced at Faith, Inglewood which introduced me to another urban environment. We took day trips to the California gold country and enjoyed an extended stay at Yosemite National Park.

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We were in Glendale for o ly two years. I am grateful for those two years and they served as the transition point to our next adventure:10 years in Hong Kong.

Reflections on a Long and Blessed Life No. 50: A Bad Habit

Very early in my professional career I developed a bad habit. It started while I was at St. Paul, Tracy CA and got worse through the years. I did not overcome it until after I retired. The bad habit: workaholism. I was a workaholic. At first it was something that had little effect on anyone else. I was single. I was living alone in a single rented bedroom. There were so many tasks to do. I was asked to do them. I felt I could do them well so I did them.

In those early days I taught grades 4-8. I was the school principal. I taught Sunday School teachers every other week. I taught a Bible Class every Sunday. Weekly I went to choir practice. On a regular basis I went to school board meeting, church council meetings, men’s club, P.T.A Executive Committee and then regular PTA meetings. I served on the denomination’s District Youth Committee, the area Principals Conference Committee. I attended graduate school and gathered used newspapers to sell to raise money for school supplies. On Sunday evenings I led the youth group (the Walther League. .I played on city sports teams throughout the year moving from basketball to softball to baseball.   

When I got married and had first one and eventually 5 children I never slowed down. I took calls (new positions) with different specific responsibilities, all of which just spurred me on.   

Of course, these actions had undesirable consequences. I was unfair to Jane and my children. The task of raising them fell very much to her. It was only rarely that I took time to read to them, bathe them or dress them or do fun things with them. In later years it got so bad that I did not even want to take vacations. I remember that after I had been in Hong Kong for 4 years without taking a vacation the Board for Missions sent me a formal warning “If I did not take a vacation they would no longer guarantee paying for my health plan.”   

Why all this hyper-activity? Several factors: 1. I really enjoyed what I was doing. I loved my work and the challenges it presented and the difference it made. 2.These positive results “felt good” and spurred me on to do more. 3.People affirmed me.4. I was doing “God’s work”. Somehow or other it failed to register in my brain that spending time with wife and family, taking care of my body, getting a good night’s sleep would also be doing” God’s work”. And so it was that year after year I just took for granted that I would work 70+ hour work weeks, never go to bed before 11:00, and on Sunday night (when I did not have another duty) I was sure to be at my desk from 8:00-11:00 pm.  

 Now in retrospect I see that I was stubborn and unresponsive to the good advice and incredible forbearance of my wife and family. I am eternally grateful that they (and God) have forgiven me. I have finally learned), at least most of the time, to say “No” when that is the appropriate answer.  .

I have learned to not work “after dinner”, to enjoy reading good books , even before 11:00 pm. I have learned to admire my children, all of whom have done a much better job than I did at balancing work, family, self-care etc.  

And I am grateful to know that having been forgiven by both God and family I need not lament my past failures. Rather, I have come to live the more balanced life to which God had called me now for almost 90 years and who knows for how many more.

Reflections on a Long and Blessed Life No. 49: First Born

From the moment we were married (and before) my wife Jane and I knew that we wanted to have children. Moreover, birth control was not really a part of my life experience. My Mother and Father had 9 children.  We were married in July; by the end of December Jane was pregnant and very early on the Sunday morning of September 14 I was at the hospital awaiting the birth of our first-born. Jane had the excellent care of the best doctor in Tracy California, Dr. Longely. When we arrived at the hospital, however, he was out of town and an unknown substitute was called in. In those days fathers were not allowed anywhere near the delivery room so I was sent to the waiting area. There I immediately fell sound asleep to be awakened with the news “It’s a boy!”  When some criticized me for sleeping during Jane’s labor I explain that there was really nothing I could do to assist Jane and besides I had to get to church by 10:00 o’clock to teach my Sunday morning Bible class. We rejoiced and gave thanks for our first-born: David Allan.

We had no family living in California but members of the St. Paul congregation were very supportive and helpful to us in our care for our new baby. Elder members of the congregation joined us in celebration and care. Baptism followed quickly and was celebrated with a big dinner in our tiny apartment.

David was a wonderful son and brought us many learnings, blessings and unfailing support. My mind overflows with memories. Regretfully he very early developed asthma and I still shudder as I recall fearing that he would suffocate because he could not get his breath. Both Jane and I hated to, but reluctantly gave him adrenalin shots.) By the time he was ready for kindergarten we were living in Hong Kong and we sent him to an all-Chinese kindergarten. He spoke no Chinese-but loved it. When the kindergarten put on its big program for parents he (naturally, as it seemed to his teachers) was assigned the role of an American Indian. He was a bright student in school, which included Kowloon Junior School, King George V high school and later Luther South High School in the States. He graduated as a National Merit Scholar. He followed in the footsteps of both of his parents and enrolled at Concordia Teachers College, River Forest, (now Chicago). He became certified as a Director of Christian Education for the L:CMS. He was in college during the very hectic 1960’s. To my great delight he was elected president of the student body, just 20 years after I had held that position which had been 20 years after my father had held that position, all at the same college.

His career as a DCE, however, was short-lived as he became open as a gay man and thus was barred by the LCMS from holding office or  (by many of that church) as even being deemed a Christian! My understanding of and acceptance of his sexual orientation could well be the basis of an entire book. Let me just say that Dave took the initiative and we spent a weekend of just the two of us a retreat center to discuss this vital matter. To my everlasting regret I told him my opinion which at the time assumed that sexual orientation was a choice (and a very bad one!) I urged him to pray about it, to see a counselor and to not disclose this to his mother! His response: “Dad, I have seen a counselor tens of times and prayed about this thousands of time. I am gay-that is how God chose to make me!”

Of course I changed my mind and Jane never had to change her mind as she was much more knowledgeable and accepting all along. Dave had a successful career in serving youth street kids, retail business, hospital administration and computer services.

His faith remained strong in spite of incredible prejudice, judgments and rejection. He forgave me for my lack of understanding and misjudgments. As I have written elsewhere in my blogs, he became a leader in helping the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America adopt its current position of affirming the status, gifts, and ministries of gay people. He was the one person whom many who were dying of AIDS wanted at their bedside in their final moments.

Again, -as I have written in my Blogs of early 2015 he died of cancer way too young. He lives in my memory every day. I consider him one of the very great and many gifts that God bestowed upon me.

“Good Wife”: A Put-down Or A Compliment?

 It started very early in our married life. When Jane accompanied me to an event and especially if I was a featured speaker, Jane would usually be introduced to the group or to individuals. More often than not she would be introduced as “Mel’s good wife.” This happened especially at Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod gatherings and most especially if the person doing the introducing was a pastor.

It did not take me long to realize that whenever Jane heard herself introduced as “Mel’s good wife” she inwardly flinched. We talked about it and I understood. When she was simply “Mel’s good wife’ it identified her not so much as her own being as of one who got her identity because of her marriage status and her husband.

Of course, it those years (especially in the 1950”s) being “a good wife” carried with it a pretty well defined set of characteristics. It meant that the husband was the featured one. It meant that her role was that of obedient spouse.  This was especially true since the roles that women could play in the church were defined and limited. She could not be a pastor, not serve as congregation president, could not be asked to lead a prayer when men were in the group, etc. etc.

While this role assignment was informal in the churches I served in the USA it became formalized in official church documents when I became a missionary in Hong Kong. The official rules of the then Mission Board stated that wives of missionaries were also to be considered missionaries. However, they were not to be employed in any church related work nor were they allowed to receive any compensation for any services they might render on behalf of the church or any of its agencies.

Now in the year 2017 it can still happen occasionally that Jane is introduced as “Mel’s good wife”. But that is rare. Whether it is stated or not, what I want to affirm is that Jane is indeed “A good wife”. She loves me and forgives me. She shares with me in our roles as parents and grandparents. We are partners in ministry. Yet we also have our separate identities. We disagree about things. We have differing opinions in matter of food, drink, art, and church dogma.

Jane is much more than someone’s “good wife”. In Hong Kong she produced Sunday School materials for 10,000 children each week. She taught art and music and piano lessons, She served as an officer in the American Women’s Association of Hong Kong. . Later she gained her own role as a significant contributor to Women’s Effectiveness Training programs around the world. She was a featured speaker on gay rights at The Lutheran Church of Finland. When we moved to New York with The Lutheran Schools Association the schools staffs were wonderful in their affirmation of her strengths, her professionalism, her computer and editorial skills. On top of this she is excellent in oil painting, weaving and playing the piano. And when the need arose she has personally replaced the garbage disposal in our kitchen and the water pump in our car.

When I now, more rarely, hear Jane spoken of as “Mel’s good wife” I still cringe but I also affirm the designation. I consider her one of God’s greatest gifts to me and to many, many others. She is, indeed, a very good wife and more.

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