Milking Cows

One of my childhood tasks that I really enjoyed was milking cows. From the time I was born until the time I went to college my parents always had at least two cows. We had them to provide milk for our families-and to produce calves. We raised the calves until they weighed a couple hundred pounds and then sold them off to be butchered. But the main reason we had cows was so that they could provide us with daily milk.

My job was to milk them in the evening. During the day the cows roamed in our pasture while the calves were fenced into a small corral. Around sunset the cows were brought into a small fenced-in area between the barn and the chicken coops. The calves were brought to their mothers and were allowed to suckle milk for a while. Then they were roped off and tied away from their mothers. I would take my milk bucket, a very low small stool and get down (always on the right side of the cow) and did the milking. I remember that I always laid my head up against the side of the cow. That felt good and made the whole process a relaxing one. When the milk had been drained from the cow’s udder the calves were released and they often tried to get a bit more milk from the cows.

Then the milk was taken into our home. We always had a mechanical milk separator. As its name indicates this rotary hand-turned little machine separated the cream from the milk, with the cream coming out one spigot and the whey the other. The whey was fed to our pets. The cream was kept for baking, cooking, adding to coffee and for making butter. I always made sure that somewhere in this whole process I drank a goodly portion of the fresh milk. It was always best if the milk was still warm coming only minutes before from the cow’s udder. No thought of any pasteurizing ever entered into consideration.

Something that happened only once or twice brings back very pleasant memories. It was in the middle of the day and Mom decided it would be a special treat to just stop everything else we were doing and make a gallon of home made ice cream. I was given a bucket and told to go out in to the pasture, go up to the cow and milk it of the required amount. My recollection is that Mother made the custard for the ice cream without boiling or heating it. The ice cream was perfect!

I find it interesting that in my adult years I never drink milk. I honestly now cannot recall the last time I drank a glass of milk. Our kids have other memories. Four of the five were born in Hong Kong, not a place at which I went out to milk cows. Getting fresh milk there was a challenge and we almost never had any. Instead all milk was from powder. The kids got used to that and liked it. When we went home on leave we stopped in Japan. At breakfast they asked for and each was served milk. They took a taste, made a face and said, “This stuff tastes funny. We don’t like it!” It was their first experience with fresh cow’s milk.

I wonder if anybody around Walburg, Texas still milks cows by hand. If not they are missing a good experience.

Remembering Howie Capell

I write this on 9-11-19 remembering that sad and infamous day eighteen years ago. Sadness continues to overwhelm me as I recall all those innocent victims. I recall especially also those 60 children who were all students in the Lutheran Schools of New York who on that day lost either a parent or a grandparent. I recall those trapped, those who leapt to their death. And I recall the public servants who did all they could to assist. Painfully I remember those misguided men who perpetrated this unthinkable evil and did it in the name of God.

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I remember with special admiration and gratitude the many who rendered all kinds of supportive services to those so terribly affected by this event. I recall with special gratitude and admiration the incredible work of Lutheran Disaster Relief New York under the extremely capable leadership of John Scibilia.

In the midst of the throng that passes by in my mental image I recall one who was not at the Twin Towers that day but later assisted many of those affected by that disaster, HOWARD CAPELL. Howie was an incredibly gifted and big-hearted New York lawyer. Howie was my personal lawyer and he was the official lawyer for The Lutheran Schools Association and of many other Lutheran friends, churches and schools. 

Of special interest is the fact that he was the persistent, patient, unrelenting and capable attorney for Dr. David Benke. Dr.Benke was the President (Bishop) of The Atlantic District of the LCMS. He joined thousands in a public outpouring of prayers at Yankee Stadium praying for all those affected by 9-11. Some high church officials deemed his prayerful participation contrary to Lutheran doctrine and practice and sought to have President Benke defrocked. Howie was his legal representative and hung in there for years until Benke was finally cleared

Howie did more. He pleaded the case of many public service employees or dependents who lost their lives or whose lives were severely negatively affected by all that went on in, under, and near to the those fallen towers. Of special note were the appropriate benefits that he secured for many police officers and their families. I have written in a previous blog how he became known throughout the city for his tenacious advocacy and how police officers quickly recognized his automobile, cleared traffic for him, found him immediate parking spaces, always free and within close walking distance of his destination even in the midst of Times Square.

Previous to the 9-11 situation Howie was always there for The Lutheran Schools in New York and elsewhere. He fended off suits brought by upset parents or angry former teachers. He was especially helpful in more than one case through his unbelievable contacts and pleadings with the IRS and other government agencies. On at least three occasions he aided schools that had withheld FICA payments from employees but never sent them in to the IRS or Social Security. In each case Howie used his skills and contacts to have fines written off and the balances reduced.

He helped write all the documents to have The Lutheran Schools Association be properly registered with government agencies -and he did it all pro bono.

He wrote my will. When by God’s special grace to me to I made a significant profit on an investment he insisted that I tithe the profits with a gift through a church related charitable remainder trust-. Now 25 years later I still get a generous annual interest payment and at my death a trio of my favourite causes will receive their remainder.

And he was fun to be with. He was not a drinker of alcohol but always invited his guests to enjoy a libation. He took me to New York steak houses that were way out of my price range. He brought guests to benefit golf events and purchased more lottery tickets than anyone else. Of special interest to me was when he and Sheila accompanied me on an incredible tour of China (including the whole western section) and Tibet. He met everybody, left the group when he wanted to do his own thing and made friends with all whom he encountered. And a couple of years after that China trip he joined me and a couple of others for an unbelievable and unheard of “week-end expedition to Hong Kong for golf”.

He was a strong family man and it was fun to watch and listen to his family interactions. His sons wisely chose not to be his business partners and loved him dearly. His marvellous wife Sheila and he were always at odds on foreign travel, eating choices, how much time to spend in their Florida home and lots of other stuff-but always loved each other, stood up for and by each other and were 100% mutually faithful.

Howie loved doing work not only for Lutheran churched and schools but also for many other churches and he had the reputation as the right one to go to if any religious organization in New York ever needed legal advice or representation.

His heritage was 100% Jewish. He was not one to be overly committed to observing the Sabbath. But especially in his later days as he (way too early) suffered and eventually died of cancer it was important to him that appropriate religious rituals and expectations be observed.

And so today I remember my friend, my advocate, my model, my brother: HOWARD CAPELL.

Spanking Children

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I read two sentences last week that really impacted me. The first ,“The more you whip your children the better they will turn out.” And “Love is not only an emotion. It is also a skill.” The first one just made me cringe. There is overwhelming evidence that that statement is not true. Yet it seems that many people do believe it and they argue (and even quote Bible verses to justify it) that spanking is a good option for parents. I regret to say that I did spank a couple of our children and even spanked a first grader in my first year of teaching.

When I did it and when many parents do it today they will say that it is an act if love and I do not argue against that. But I do want to point out that even though it may be motivated by love that does not justify it. Love is not enough. Love is also a skill. My experience is that most parents who spank do that because they have not learned other more suitable options. They believe that the only alternative to spanking is permissiveness. They are wrong.

In my many years of doing parent training around the world one important lesson I learned is that almost all parents do indeed love their children. I also learned that they have had no formal training in how to raise them. Thus they rely on what they recall about their own childhood, either copying or else rejecting how they were raised. In that process parents tend to move into one of two opposite directions: They become quite authoritarian relying on rewards and punishment, including spanking, or they go the other way and become entirely too permissive. Both approaches are ineffective. Incidentally, I noticed that this was most obvious in recent child raising practices in China. Under the former one-child policy each couple was permitted only one child. In some cases the parents said, “This is the only child we will ever have. We will give the child anything and everything he wants. We will never spank the child or deny them their way”. Other parents said, “This is the only child we will ever have. He will be the bearer of our family name. He must be an upright good citizen and we will ensure that by being very strict and super-controlling. Any misstep will be physically punished.”

There is, of course, a third way. It is the process I taught and still believe in called Parent Effectiveness Training. It teaches child-raising techniques based on mutual respect. It teaches parents how to listen when a child is experiencing a personal problem. It teaches effective non-punitive confrontation of unacceptable behavior. It provides skills for win-win solving of conflicts. It gives lessons in sharing values. With the incredible partnership with Jane that is how we raised our 5 children and how I hope they raised or are raising our 8 grandchildren and our great-grandson.