Praise Denied /Praise Junkie

My recent thinking about praise began simply enough. A colleague wrote a book and sent me a copy. On the title page he wrote a few words of affirmation (maybe even praise) of me. It felt good to read that. Yet as I took my morning walk the thought came up, “Mel, have you become a ‘praise junkie?” I knew where that thought came from.

For years I was a colleague of Dr. Thomas Gordon, the author of “Parent Effectiveness Training” and other best sellers. He and I disagreed about the role of praise in parent-child communication. Tom was very leery of parental praise for children. He was afraid the praise might be empty or just be flattery. He feared that a child’s self-esteem might become too dependent upon the evaluation of others. He coined the phrase “praise junkie”, a person who regularly needs a fix of praise to maintain self-worth and positive self-image.

I was concerned about children who were not affirmed, not praised or whose positive actions would receive no comment from significant others in their life. I argued that praise was actually necessary, provided it was honest and given without hope of personal gain or favor, I argued that praise is most helpful when three conditions are met: 1. A person acts in a way that is commendable. 2. The person receiving the praise feels that the cause for praise is merited. 3. The praise comes from a person who is significant to the one receiving the praise and there is no hope on the part of the praise giver to get anything in return for the praise given.

I further recalled a conversation I had with our son John when he was in junior high. I do not recall what he did that pleased me. I do recall saying, “John, you are a good boy.” I meant it. Yet John’s reply to me was “Dad, I do not like it when you call me “a good boy.” So we explored that a bit. Part of it was that John heard me making a judgment on him as a person. If I reserved the right to call him “good” I would also have the right to label him “bad”. Further: in the culture of junior high being called “ a good boy” may, in fact be not at all what a young person is looking for. So I decided I needed to express words about his actions that pleased me rather than making a general statement of judgment of his total character.

My mind then went to my wife Jane. The fact is throughout much of my career I was often in the public eye as a speaker, teacher, leader. In those contacts (especially in formal introductions) people would say nice things about me and about my accomplishments. Of course, that felt good. Yet often sitting right next to me was Jane. Often her presence was completely ignored, even as it was in the cocktail hour conversations before dinner at these events. Jane has a strong self-concept, yet I often wished she could get a bit more praise. Then I wondered if this were more a statement about me than about her.

Of course, the matter of bestowing praise or speaking words of praise varies from culture to culture. In Chinese culture there is often lavish praise which we Westerners might consider flattery. Yet for them it is simply a form of politeness. It is said that in certain Nordic cultures one must win the Nobel Prize to ever merit a “Not too bad, son.”

Finally there is the entire matter of being evaluated by others, always a two-edged sword. When I would receive 49 positive evaluations and one negative, why did I seem to focus on that one negative? Had I, in fact, become a “praise junkie”?


Conclusion: I choose to run the risk. I will continue to speak words of praise as long as they are honest and heart-felt, with no hope for personal gain. There are so many put-downs and so much negativism in the world that a bit of positive affirmation (and yes, even praise) just might help make someone’s day.