Spare the Rod

One need not be a Bible scholar to complete the above sentence by adding the words: “and spoil the child.” Further, my experience is that almost 100% of the people who quote this verse believe it advocates parents spanking their children. I used to believe that too. But not anymore.

My parents believed in spanking. I am sure my dad spanked me; yet I cannot recall any specific time that he did so. I do recall my mom spanking me (and at the same time three or four of my siblings). We were under strict instructions from her to have the dishes washed and the kitchen cleaned by the time she returned from using the “outhouse”. We had done neither, but were having a great water fight. She spanked us all (and a couple of us twice) when we just kept being silly.

The other spanking was dramatic. When I “misbehaved” in a front pew in church, mother picked me up. She carried me near the church wall where my shoes banged on each wainscot board as we exited. The spanking outside and my loud yelping were heard by all.

Earlier this week I asked my now 57-year old son if he remembered me spanking him. He remembered in some detail. I know I also spanked our number 2 son – and I am sure that I never spanked any of our other 3 children. In my first year of teaching, in frustration I spanked an energetic second grader. I now deeply regret that. I suspect he had attention deficit disorder. I didn’t help – and now I wonder if and how Billy Joe recalls with bitterness his second grade teacher.

I now believe that parents spank out of ignorance of better parenting patterns. And I question whether that Bible verse about sparing the rod even talks about spanking. In the 70’s and 80’s I was the Director of the internationally acclaimed Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.) which gave parents alternatives to corporal punishment. P.E.T. was so broadly understood that James Dobson of Focus on the Family fame devoted an entire chapter in one of his books warning against P.E.T. and especially the P.E.T. idea that parents did not have to spank and yet could still raise responsible children.

My memory is (but I could not find a record of it) that I debated him on this topic at a public forum. I do recall conducting a word study on the Biblical use of the term rod. I noticed that Psalm 23 asserts, “Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.” More and more I saw “the rod” as an instrument for pointing the way; as a guide to green pastures and gently flowing streams. I saw my role as a father to be that of guide, model, teacher, and pointer. So now I try to never spare the rod inappropriately. I make very sure never to use it to hit anyone, especially a precious young child. My children share this conviction of mine and none of my eight grandchildren is spoiled.