Wedding Anniversary

Last Saturday my wife Jane and I observed our 61^st  Wedding Anniversary. We did not make a big deal of it, but we did note it with reflection, gratitude and anticipation. As a part of that reminiscence I took a long reflective walk, but first I stopped at the rose garden here, sat in the swing, looked at the names of some of the rose varieties like Honor, Aromatic Therapy, Tahiti Sunset - all of which are part of our decades of marriage. My mind wondered from Jane to the five kids who have helped sustain and enrich our marriage for all these years. So even at the risk of no one caring in the least I decided to write down just one admired characteristic of each of our 5 kids whom the two of us happily and blessedly call our greatest assets. Youngest to eldest:

JOHN:  John teaches me equanimity, patience, non-anxiousness. By this I mean he teaches me not to fret too much, not to get too excited, worried or upset. He teaches me that things will turn out okay, that issues can be resolved, that “life moves not backwards nor tarries with yesterday” but moves forward in its own good time and that is okay. He is doing that again in these weeks. Skip the details but note that he is professoring in Hong Kong, his wife and two kids live in Spain, both he and his wife have accepted teaching positions at Stanford U for this fall. But to get from here to there is fraught with challenges. Some of their household furniture is in Spain, some in Hong Kong. Their young kids have already gone to school in Taipei, Barcelona, Bristol and Madrid, had passed entrance exams at Hong Kong International and will next month go to an as yet unnamed schools in Palo Alto with school starting in less than a month. John's Spanish-citizen wife of 15 years, mother of his two American-citizen children, with a PhD from Harvard and a signed contract from Stanford is fighting, fighting to get an American visa. The failed USA immigration system will not let her come earlier than 10 days before her work starts, will not permit her to be a part-time employee, threatens to send her home from JFK in New York if she lands using her “visa waiver”. In the midst of this John rents a house, enrolls his kids, lines up teaching, ships household goods from 2 continents, continues to serve as a very stressful Department head at a university, pays the very expensive immigration attorney fees, meets major donors, moves apartments and stay sane, doesn’t scream, overuse alcohol, develop an ulcer, or need a therapist. John, thank you for teaching me serenity in the midst of any storm.

LIZ: Liz teaches me empathy, acceptance, genuineness. Never have I met a person who has better exemplified the virtue of weeping with those who weep and rejoicing with those who rejoice. When she chose to become a psychotherapist I knew she would be great, but I wondered if she could leave the care of her patients in her doctor’s office. She has convinced me that when she meets with a client she is totally there; by the time she reaches her home her focus can shift to the personal, to her family. I know that when appropriate her empathy moves her to concrete actions. At other times she continues to teach me that empathic acceptance presence is the rarest and truest form of love.

TIMOTHY: Tim continues to teach me that life is more than one’s work. To my regret I never learned that lesson in earlier years and so I doubly admire it in Tim. He has turned down some significant promotions at work because the work and time demanded of the position would have forces him to take away time from his family, from his love of music, from his deep appreciation of nature and camping and enjoying God’s creation. He is extremely gifted and has spent time in the corner, fully-windowed office of the major HM which he has served for well over 20 years. He does his work well, he is respected in his field, he earns his generous salary, but his work is not his life. He shows his commitment to his family and their values and to his passions. I am still trying to learn from my son, my teacher , Tim.

PEGGY:  Peggy teaches me to have very high values and to then conform my life and priorities to those values. When her 2 children were born she left full-time employment to take care of her children because she values the responsibilities and joys of motherhood. When she got interested in politics she provided free room in her home to candidate staff, studied their record, spoke openly and for publication about her opinions and values. When she decided that she preferred spending time caring for plants even in short spring, (New Hampshire springs and summers) she had her swimming pool filled in so she had time to get her hands into the soil producing growing green plants. When work demands get too heavy she sets aside the time to hike the mountains, enjoy the waterfalls and allow herself the tiredness that comes from walking under huge trees. When she sees her congregation struggle she volunteers to not only to serve as its vice-president but to lead it through a strategic planning process (because that is what she values and is good at). If integrity means congruence between values and actions I need look no further than to my daughter Peggy, a woman true to her magnificent values. 

DAVID: Dave teaches me to love and reach out to those whom others despise. When David graduated from high school he had an exceptional academic and activities record. His high school counselor called him into her office, told him not to go into the ministry of the church because (she said) he was so gifted that he could enroll in any college of his choice in any chosen profession. Dave said, “No I want to be a teaching minister in the church!” And that is what he became qualified for. Then it became clear that he was gay. And with that reality a career in the church was impossible, for none of the churches allowed openly gay people to serve as ministers. So he became a worker on the streets of a wealthy suburb ministering especially to kids who were at risk. During the AIDS epidemic David was the person whom dying AIDS patients called. He was constantly in the cities of our country holding the hands of dying people whose parents and friends had disowned them and who would have died alone had not Dave been there holding them and praying with them and just loving them. He became one of the founders of an organization called Lutherans Concerned which 30 years later played a role in persons of all sexual orientations being allowed ministerial status in most Lutheran churches. Just recently he has been spending time remodeling a “granny flat" at his home because he wants to make it available to persons who needs temporary housing because they have been rejected, either because of their sexual orientation, political beliefs (Think victims of torture from around the world) or otherwise rejected by their parents. Wherever there is rejection of the innocent, wherever there is someone who feels “nobody loves me’ that is where you will find Dave with arms outstretched, no judgment. I am still trying to be more like son Dave whose heart, and arms and even house are open to all.

Reunion II

Two days after attending the Doering reunion together with some 150 of my closest family members (See blog Family Reunion I) I headed out to Reunion II, the small one. This is just for my sibs and our families so there were only 90 of us. It was brilliantly hosted by my sister Mimi and her extended family with the special leadership of her granddaughter-in law Meredith. We headed to that Texas shrine city of San Antonio. We gathered in a hotel next to the San Antonio River, just blocks from the Alamo and within walking distance of La Vallita, The Pearl Brewery, the home of the San Antonio Spurs and more.
 

Dominant theme number 1: FOOD. It all started already on Thursday evening with a great outdoor feast in the backyard where does and their fawns eyed us from their oak tree shelters. Incredibly wonderful fried catfish, hush-puppies and more, all washed down with Shiner Bock beer. By the next afternoon the hospitality suite was loaded with cookies, cakes, cobblers, pies, chips, nuts, salsa, pastries, tacos, dips, cheeses, sausages, fresh fruit, beer, wine and every imaginable hard liquor and we did justice to it all.

Of course, the hospitality suite food had to be supplemented by sit down dinners; once at the German Mannerchor Halle with brats, once in the Romeo and Juliet Ballroom with churrasco steak, another at Jacala with enchiladas, tamales and frijoles negros, (Did I mention the catered breakfast tacos and the freshly baked cinnamon buns?) Oh, yes, there was a special luncheon at a fancy Italian restaurant, but that was “for the sisters only “, so maybe this male should not list it.)

Theme No 2: COMPETITION. I am pleased to note that the competition was NOT as to who made the most money, drove the biggest car or had the most square feet in their home. Instead there was the very competitive golf tournament at the historic Brackenridge Golf Course. Seven foursomes with players aged 11 to 84 went at it with the intensity of a Ryder Cup. Since I played worst of all I won’t even mention the usual winners. But then came the really serious Texas 42 Tournament (played with dominoes, in case some non-Texans happen to read this.) The Texas guys will trade an oil well for this title so imagine their chagrin when the two top winners were (of all things) two women and to add even deeper insult neither of them is currently living in Texas and one of them is an outlaw. The theologians among us wondered if this was a sign that we are living in end times.

Theme No. 3: CHANGES. My father and Mother Oscar and Lina Kieschnick are the ones who started all this. I can only imagine that they dreamed of a very homogeneous set of offspring, all German blooded, all Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod members. However, as they looked down on that crew assembled in San Antonio they would have noted and joyfully accepted the fact that the Kieschnick clan now includes persons whose ancestry is Spanish, Chinese, Bohemian, Korean, Israeli, Scotch, Jamaican, Irish, and more. And church/religious affiliation called for very broad ecumenical acceptance. One evening I just sat back at looked intently at the assembled crew and noted the obvious change: my siblings and I are getting holder. We range from 89 to 68. The skin on our arms and hands are typical of that Kieschnick rough, blotched unattractive texture, our ears and filled with haering aids, our memories are challenged, our eyes tired well before the 2:00am self-imposed curfew of generation 3.

Theme No. 4: VALUES. My Father was probably the most accepting person I have ever encountered; yet as he looks down on those who bear his name he would be the first to identify less than perfection. For he would note that his descendents sometimes gossip, become judgmental, eat or drink too much, use inappropriate language, sleep in on Sunday mornings, focus only on themselves. Yet I would hope that Mom and Dad would also sit quietly and observe and then affirm that their values are being passed on from generation to generation; values like faith in God; commitment to family, dedication to honest labor, love of country, enjoyment of good times, sacrifice for the common good, appreciation of nature, desire for new experiences, and strength to believe and act on our best impulses as even after a full Saturday night of partying Sunday morning found the family getting into their cars and driving to Mom and Dad’s old church where we outnumbered the count of regular members and gathered there around the altar for strength to carry on from generation to generation.

Next year in New Orleans!

Family Reunion I

For as long as I can remember, July has been Family Reunion time for me. So this year just as sure as July arrived my wife Jane and I headed to Walburg, Texas. There I had attended my first Doering Family Reunion some 82 years ago. I was just 2 years old at the time so my memories probably begin somewhat later. Yet the memories flood. We wend ourselves down to “Grandma Doering’s  Place’ on the San Gabriel River. Three things stand out: 1. “Watch out for the deep places in the water. There is quick sand down there. Teacher Winters died when he got sucked down by that.” 2. The fresh glistening and pure water coming our of that free flowing pipe comes directly from that hillside fresh water spring. It is always cool. That’s why we have those watermelons in the trough right where that water comes out.” 3. This is to remember all the Doerings, but don’t forget: it is also Uncle Carl’s birthday today and the 4^th of July “

When we gathered again on the 4^th this year it was at the Walburg Community Center just down the road from Walburg Mercantile that my grandfather Doering established as the first real store in the area ,way back in the19th Century. It is just 50 yards from the Bank his family started, and a mile from Zion Lutheran Church where five generations of Doerings have been baptized, married and buried.

This year’s ceremony for the 150 of us who gathered was simple. We began with an imaginary parade of all of our ancestors, trying to picture at what point we entered the parade and the circumstances of us being included. We imaged the ancient ship arriving in America from Germany, the trip across the uninhabited countryside. Of course, we prayed, we sang and we ate and even had a few beers! And when we finished eating it seems there was as much food left as when we had started.

We paused to remember those who had left us in the last year, the most recently born and married and even the relative who came the farthest, from Philadelphia. We recalled shared hard times and good times, dedication to family, God, country, hard work, Lutheran schools and the German language which used to unite us, but is now only a memory for most of us.

Of course, it was like any family reunion, yet it wasn’t; for this is where I remembered MY roots and those who sacrificed, loved, taught, encouraged and supported me all along the way and are a part of me yet!