Wedding Anniversary

Last Saturday my wife Jane and I observed our 61^st  Wedding Anniversary. We did not make a big deal of it, but we did note it with reflection, gratitude and anticipation. As a part of that reminiscence I took a long reflective walk, but first I stopped at the rose garden here, sat in the swing, looked at the names of some of the rose varieties like Honor, Aromatic Therapy, Tahiti Sunset - all of which are part of our decades of marriage. My mind wondered from Jane to the five kids who have helped sustain and enrich our marriage for all these years. So even at the risk of no one caring in the least I decided to write down just one admired characteristic of each of our 5 kids whom the two of us happily and blessedly call our greatest assets. Youngest to eldest:

JOHN:  John teaches me equanimity, patience, non-anxiousness. By this I mean he teaches me not to fret too much, not to get too excited, worried or upset. He teaches me that things will turn out okay, that issues can be resolved, that “life moves not backwards nor tarries with yesterday” but moves forward in its own good time and that is okay. He is doing that again in these weeks. Skip the details but note that he is professoring in Hong Kong, his wife and two kids live in Spain, both he and his wife have accepted teaching positions at Stanford U for this fall. But to get from here to there is fraught with challenges. Some of their household furniture is in Spain, some in Hong Kong. Their young kids have already gone to school in Taipei, Barcelona, Bristol and Madrid, had passed entrance exams at Hong Kong International and will next month go to an as yet unnamed schools in Palo Alto with school starting in less than a month. John's Spanish-citizen wife of 15 years, mother of his two American-citizen children, with a PhD from Harvard and a signed contract from Stanford is fighting, fighting to get an American visa. The failed USA immigration system will not let her come earlier than 10 days before her work starts, will not permit her to be a part-time employee, threatens to send her home from JFK in New York if she lands using her “visa waiver”. In the midst of this John rents a house, enrolls his kids, lines up teaching, ships household goods from 2 continents, continues to serve as a very stressful Department head at a university, pays the very expensive immigration attorney fees, meets major donors, moves apartments and stay sane, doesn’t scream, overuse alcohol, develop an ulcer, or need a therapist. John, thank you for teaching me serenity in the midst of any storm.

LIZ: Liz teaches me empathy, acceptance, genuineness. Never have I met a person who has better exemplified the virtue of weeping with those who weep and rejoicing with those who rejoice. When she chose to become a psychotherapist I knew she would be great, but I wondered if she could leave the care of her patients in her doctor’s office. She has convinced me that when she meets with a client she is totally there; by the time she reaches her home her focus can shift to the personal, to her family. I know that when appropriate her empathy moves her to concrete actions. At other times she continues to teach me that empathic acceptance presence is the rarest and truest form of love.

TIMOTHY: Tim continues to teach me that life is more than one’s work. To my regret I never learned that lesson in earlier years and so I doubly admire it in Tim. He has turned down some significant promotions at work because the work and time demanded of the position would have forces him to take away time from his family, from his love of music, from his deep appreciation of nature and camping and enjoying God’s creation. He is extremely gifted and has spent time in the corner, fully-windowed office of the major HM which he has served for well over 20 years. He does his work well, he is respected in his field, he earns his generous salary, but his work is not his life. He shows his commitment to his family and their values and to his passions. I am still trying to learn from my son, my teacher , Tim.

PEGGY:  Peggy teaches me to have very high values and to then conform my life and priorities to those values. When her 2 children were born she left full-time employment to take care of her children because she values the responsibilities and joys of motherhood. When she got interested in politics she provided free room in her home to candidate staff, studied their record, spoke openly and for publication about her opinions and values. When she decided that she preferred spending time caring for plants even in short spring, (New Hampshire springs and summers) she had her swimming pool filled in so she had time to get her hands into the soil producing growing green plants. When work demands get too heavy she sets aside the time to hike the mountains, enjoy the waterfalls and allow herself the tiredness that comes from walking under huge trees. When she sees her congregation struggle she volunteers to not only to serve as its vice-president but to lead it through a strategic planning process (because that is what she values and is good at). If integrity means congruence between values and actions I need look no further than to my daughter Peggy, a woman true to her magnificent values. 

DAVID: Dave teaches me to love and reach out to those whom others despise. When David graduated from high school he had an exceptional academic and activities record. His high school counselor called him into her office, told him not to go into the ministry of the church because (she said) he was so gifted that he could enroll in any college of his choice in any chosen profession. Dave said, “No I want to be a teaching minister in the church!” And that is what he became qualified for. Then it became clear that he was gay. And with that reality a career in the church was impossible, for none of the churches allowed openly gay people to serve as ministers. So he became a worker on the streets of a wealthy suburb ministering especially to kids who were at risk. During the AIDS epidemic David was the person whom dying AIDS patients called. He was constantly in the cities of our country holding the hands of dying people whose parents and friends had disowned them and who would have died alone had not Dave been there holding them and praying with them and just loving them. He became one of the founders of an organization called Lutherans Concerned which 30 years later played a role in persons of all sexual orientations being allowed ministerial status in most Lutheran churches. Just recently he has been spending time remodeling a “granny flat" at his home because he wants to make it available to persons who needs temporary housing because they have been rejected, either because of their sexual orientation, political beliefs (Think victims of torture from around the world) or otherwise rejected by their parents. Wherever there is rejection of the innocent, wherever there is someone who feels “nobody loves me’ that is where you will find Dave with arms outstretched, no judgment. I am still trying to be more like son Dave whose heart, and arms and even house are open to all.