Rituals to remember the deceased
have been a part of my life as long as I can remember. I grew up in a Lutheran
“teacherage” where our home bordered the church cemetery. In elementary school
we attended all the congregation funerals in the church next door to our
parochial school. I accompanied my father as he tolled the church bells as the
coffin was taken from church to cemetery. I watched gravediggers prepare the gravesite,
and then fill it with dirt. Often I have been in the country home parlor with the
corpse as it stayed there for the night prior to being taken to the church for
funeral services.
I bargained in Chinese with
street-side coffin makers over the size and price of a coffin in Kowloon.
I renegotiated the price coolies were charging to carry a coffin up a hill. I
stood with the weeping mother as only three of us were there when the son had
been killed in a bicycle-truck crash. I have spoken at tens of funerals
delivering the meditation or the eulogy. I have sung a solo at a funeral in Forest
Lawn in Glendale, California. I accompanied a father to the beach when he
took his son’s ashes out to the waves, and presided on a boat three miles off
shore as ashes were reverently lowered into the ocean. I have written
instructions for my own funeral.
All of that was a part of me as a
month ago I was there for my son David’s rituals after his way too early
death. A couple months ago when I asked him his wishes, he said little
other than “The rituals are for you the survivors-do whatever you want. “
And so it was that on Friday night
just the immediate family gathered as we together recalled his life. I presided
as we all participated. It was a simple ceremony filled with memories around
the topics: prayers, songs, Bible verses, rituals, memories and promises. It
was good.
On Saturday we had the
Celebration of Life ritual. It was in the patio of David’s home. The atmosphere
was intimate as we crowded under a canopied space. The tone was intimate,
reflective, sad and celebratory. In four segments of about 15 minutes each
we had beautiful music (both religious and popular) performed and sung by
Dave’s incredibly gifted family members, remembrances by people from many parts
of the country, with varied experiences of David. A common theme: Dave’s
concern for those on the edge, his commitment to people who were hurting, his
unfailing faithfulness, his deep spiritual roots, his incredible generosity and
his multitude of talents. When we closed with the traditional Biblical
benediction with its seven-fold Amen sung beautifully by some of Dave’s family
members I knew we had done it right.
But that was not the end. Emails,
telephone calls, letters and cards have been coming in commenting not only upon
the ceremony but upon he legacy of David to which it all pointed. Two examples:
A couple spoke with me and then wrote. They recalled that after the ceremony
they sat and talked for over an hour about David and his example. “We have
decided to be better people,” they reported. “We want to be more generous with
our time and gifts. We want to make more of a difference like David did and
they sent a generous memorial gift.
A second person read about these
events. She lives in Colorado. She wrote, “ I want to be more like David. I
have lately not used my experience as an immigration lawyer. Tell me how I can
better reach out to those who have suffered from government sanctioned
torture overseas and are seeking sanctuary in America.”
So in this Easter season I
rejoice in the Resurrection and in all resurrections to which end of life
ritual can so vividly point.
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