Trying to Teach a Pig to Fly

In the late 1940’s the national Lutheran body of which I was a member had an unshakable conviction (which had nothing to do with theology). It believed that every person whom it certified as a recognized rostered member of the teaching ministry could be taught to play a keyboard instrument, if not a pipe organ, at least a piano.

I was brought into that system when I entered the ministerial preparatory school at the age of 13. I was assigned a piano teacher. Mr. Bentrup was his name. He showed me how to curve my wrists over the keyboard. He assigned music with no sharps or flats. He reserved for me specific practice pianos at designated practice times. He encouraged me. He threatened me. He praised me. Once he even slapped my hand. Finally, he gave up. He thought the solution was to get me a different teacher, a woman.

Ms. Schneider was wonderful. She seemed especially young and attractive as one of only 2 female teachers on an otherwise all-male faculty for the all-boys prep school. She was wonderful to me, supportive, kind, affirming, appropriately confrontive, patient. And when, after 3 years I graduated from that prep school she was at the ceremonies thanking God, I am sure, that she no longer had me as a student.

Post-prep school meant university in the Midwest. The doctrine was still believed, “All certified teaching ministers will be able to play a keyboard.” The elderly piano teacher assigned me had been at it for some 40 years. After a few months of disastrous piano lessons, she came up with the brilliant solution. She recommended that I try to qualify for pipe organ lessons. For weeks she had me do one simple piano piece in preparation for the placement test. I actually got through it. But at the placement test I was asked to sight-read a piano number. It could have been written in Sanskrit instead of music notes and it wouldn’t have made any difference.
The results of the placement tests were announced: Promoted and qualified for pipe organ instruction: Melvin Kieschnick.

I’ll spare the details. I was assigned to an outstanding organist whose compositions are still being played in church services all over the world. We came to an accommodation. The student who had her lesson just before mine would get 50 minutes instruction instead of 30 and so there were only 10 minutes left for me. I learned how to turn on the organ, clumsily move my feet across the foot pedals, and push the stops to get a trumpet effect - and all of this in only 3 academic years. It was conveniently agreed that no grade on instrumental music would ever appear on my transcript and I was graduated and certified for the teaching ministry of the Lutheran church.

I really do love music. I married a woman who was outstanding on the pipe organ and still plays marvelously on the piano. But as for me, the closest I’ve come to being an accompanist was a surprise tribute from a wonderful Christian couple. They donated a marvelous grand piano to our congregation. The inscription says simply, “Donated by an anonymous couple in recognition of the ministries of Mel and Jane Kieschnick.” And that’s as close to a keyboard as anyone will ever permit me to go,