Reflections on a Long and Blessed Life No. 49: First Born

From the moment we were married (and before) my wife Jane and I knew that we wanted to have children. Moreover, birth control was not really a part of my life experience. My Mother and Father had 9 children.  We were married in July; by the end of December Jane was pregnant and very early on the Sunday morning of September 14 I was at the hospital awaiting the birth of our first-born. Jane had the excellent care of the best doctor in Tracy California, Dr. Longely. When we arrived at the hospital, however, he was out of town and an unknown substitute was called in. In those days fathers were not allowed anywhere near the delivery room so I was sent to the waiting area. There I immediately fell sound asleep to be awakened with the news “It’s a boy!”  When some criticized me for sleeping during Jane’s labor I explain that there was really nothing I could do to assist Jane and besides I had to get to church by 10:00 o’clock to teach my Sunday morning Bible class. We rejoiced and gave thanks for our first-born: David Allan.

We had no family living in California but members of the St. Paul congregation were very supportive and helpful to us in our care for our new baby. Elder members of the congregation joined us in celebration and care. Baptism followed quickly and was celebrated with a big dinner in our tiny apartment.

David was a wonderful son and brought us many learnings, blessings and unfailing support. My mind overflows with memories. Regretfully he very early developed asthma and I still shudder as I recall fearing that he would suffocate because he could not get his breath. Both Jane and I hated to, but reluctantly gave him adrenalin shots.) By the time he was ready for kindergarten we were living in Hong Kong and we sent him to an all-Chinese kindergarten. He spoke no Chinese-but loved it. When the kindergarten put on its big program for parents he (naturally, as it seemed to his teachers) was assigned the role of an American Indian. He was a bright student in school, which included Kowloon Junior School, King George V high school and later Luther South High School in the States. He graduated as a National Merit Scholar. He followed in the footsteps of both of his parents and enrolled at Concordia Teachers College, River Forest, (now Chicago). He became certified as a Director of Christian Education for the L:CMS. He was in college during the very hectic 1960’s. To my great delight he was elected president of the student body, just 20 years after I had held that position which had been 20 years after my father had held that position, all at the same college.

His career as a DCE, however, was short-lived as he became open as a gay man and thus was barred by the LCMS from holding office or  (by many of that church) as even being deemed a Christian! My understanding of and acceptance of his sexual orientation could well be the basis of an entire book. Let me just say that Dave took the initiative and we spent a weekend of just the two of us a retreat center to discuss this vital matter. To my everlasting regret I told him my opinion which at the time assumed that sexual orientation was a choice (and a very bad one!) I urged him to pray about it, to see a counselor and to not disclose this to his mother! His response: “Dad, I have seen a counselor tens of times and prayed about this thousands of time. I am gay-that is how God chose to make me!”

Of course I changed my mind and Jane never had to change her mind as she was much more knowledgeable and accepting all along. Dave had a successful career in serving youth street kids, retail business, hospital administration and computer services.

His faith remained strong in spite of incredible prejudice, judgments and rejection. He forgave me for my lack of understanding and misjudgments. As I have written elsewhere in my blogs, he became a leader in helping the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America adopt its current position of affirming the status, gifts, and ministries of gay people. He was the one person whom many who were dying of AIDS wanted at their bedside in their final moments.

Again, -as I have written in my Blogs of early 2015 he died of cancer way too young. He lives in my memory every day. I consider him one of the very great and many gifts that God bestowed upon me.

“Good Wife”: A Put-down Or A Compliment?

 It started very early in our married life. When Jane accompanied me to an event and especially if I was a featured speaker, Jane would usually be introduced to the group or to individuals. More often than not she would be introduced as “Mel’s good wife.” This happened especially at Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod gatherings and most especially if the person doing the introducing was a pastor.

It did not take me long to realize that whenever Jane heard herself introduced as “Mel’s good wife” she inwardly flinched. We talked about it and I understood. When she was simply “Mel’s good wife’ it identified her not so much as her own being as of one who got her identity because of her marriage status and her husband.

Of course, it those years (especially in the 1950”s) being “a good wife” carried with it a pretty well defined set of characteristics. It meant that the husband was the featured one. It meant that her role was that of obedient spouse.  This was especially true since the roles that women could play in the church were defined and limited. She could not be a pastor, not serve as congregation president, could not be asked to lead a prayer when men were in the group, etc. etc.

While this role assignment was informal in the churches I served in the USA it became formalized in official church documents when I became a missionary in Hong Kong. The official rules of the then Mission Board stated that wives of missionaries were also to be considered missionaries. However, they were not to be employed in any church related work nor were they allowed to receive any compensation for any services they might render on behalf of the church or any of its agencies.

Now in the year 2017 it can still happen occasionally that Jane is introduced as “Mel’s good wife”. But that is rare. Whether it is stated or not, what I want to affirm is that Jane is indeed “A good wife”. She loves me and forgives me. She shares with me in our roles as parents and grandparents. We are partners in ministry. Yet we also have our separate identities. We disagree about things. We have differing opinions in matter of food, drink, art, and church dogma.

Jane is much more than someone’s “good wife”. In Hong Kong she produced Sunday School materials for 10,000 children each week. She taught art and music and piano lessons, She served as an officer in the American Women’s Association of Hong Kong. . Later she gained her own role as a significant contributor to Women’s Effectiveness Training programs around the world. She was a featured speaker on gay rights at The Lutheran Church of Finland. When we moved to New York with The Lutheran Schools Association the schools staffs were wonderful in their affirmation of her strengths, her professionalism, her computer and editorial skills. On top of this she is excellent in oil painting, weaving and playing the piano. And when the need arose she has personally replaced the garbage disposal in our kitchen and the water pump in our car.

When I now, more rarely, hear Jane spoken of as “Mel’s good wife” I still cringe but I also affirm the designation. I consider her one of God’s greatest gifts to me and to many, many others. She is, indeed, a very good wife and more.

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“Holy Places", The San Diego Padres, and the Holy Spirit

Next Sunday at my church I am leading an Adult Class which will discuss “The Holy Spirit.” Last night I spoke with my son John who is head of the Department of Religious Studies at Stanford University. There he teaches a course on Holy Places, places like churches, temples, cathedrals and others usually associated with the various religions of the world.

This semester he has a student who has signed a contract to play baseball for the San Diego Padres organization. At the beginning of the term he had explained to John that he wanted to be excused from attending some of the classes because he wanted to attend spring training. John agreed and assigned him the task of writing an extra paper on a topic related to the class content.

This week John received the paper. In it the student explained that he was indeed at spring training. He described a particular place. He wrote that it was just an ordinary large room. It was virtually empty.  It had only a large group of chairs. There were no pictures on the walls, no symbols or decorations on any of the walls. It was the place where the players gathered, sometimes the whole big squad of regulars and new recruits, at other times just the rookies. As he thought of sitting in that room he recalled his own story, his hopes, his fears. Then he became aware of the reality that each person there had their own story: a story of excitement, fear, stardom, boredom, fantasy, anonymity, last chance and fresh hopes. In that moment he thought of what made each of them unique and what connected them all as one. He said he came to a profound realization: ”This is indeed a holy place.”

And I agree. The more I reflect upon it the more I realize the truth of the statement that the Holy Spirit moves among us as it wills, dwells in our midst, stirs up our memories and our visions and our faith. It is indeed true that spirit, the Holy Spirit, the San Diego Padres and all the rest of us are all connected.

Afghan Refugee Family Saga: Three Strikes - But Not Out

The amazing family of 7 young persons who fled the Taliban and are now our friends here, continues to face challenges and to persevere.

We rejoiced with them 18 months ago when they found a wonderful 4 bedroom home to rent at the very good price of $2,100.00 a month. Now the owner has officially announced “I am selling the house.  You have three months to vacate.” So the search is on. A computer site listed a deal: “For rent :3 bedroom stand-alone home with 2 car garage in a desirable neighborhood.” The eldest, S, replied via email and then phone. It got better. The rent is only $900.00 a month. Then it got even \better: Utilities included. Then it got suspicious: the house interior could be viewed only after a $2,900.00 deposit was paid. Keys would be handed over after the by mail deposit was received. More phone calls, more emails, all to the Afghan woman. When I sent an email, made numerous phone calls there was no response. I explained  to her, “This is a scam! Do not send any money to the suggested Texas mailing address.” The owner had not responded to me but was  very persistent in calling the Afghan woman saying,  “Just send the money. Keep the house clean. Trust me.  I am a very religious and righteous person.” I finally convinced my friend to forget it. She cannot afford sending a check for $2,900.00 to a Texas address to rent a house from a guy she has never met, who won’t let her see the house and can’t explain why he is renting his place at well less than half of the going rate. I am convinced we dodged a scam.

I missed seeing the eldest son “A”. I was told, “Oh, we forgot to tell you. He is back in Pakistan. He is there for two reasons: 1. He wants to get married to an Afghan woman whom he met at the immigration center in Islamabad which helped the family get asylum status in the USA.” The second reason: “He has found a way to contact the smuggler who got our family our of Afghanistan. However, in the process our 5year old sister disappeared”. Now “A” wants to make contact with that smuggler and see if we can find our missing family member. “A” has now been somewhere in Pakistan but he does not have the money to pay for a phone call back to the States so we don’t really know what’s happening.

With wonderful assistance from a friend of mine who runs several McDonald’s we got work for three of the family members. They are very eager to work, are willing to go to school and work and do anything to  “get ahead”. However time schedules are very complicated. English language skills vary. Work ethics for them range from extreme dedication and hard work to something less than that. But then the reality is that in San Diego (at least at these McDonald’s) 95% of the employees are Hispanic, speak only Spanish at work and look out after their friends and relatives with whom they share work at the same store.  When one of the Afghan young men decided that he was being discriminated against, was never allowed to “work up front’’, spent week after week doing only the lowest and least satisfying work like sweeping the floors and cleaning stoves, he rebelled. He refused to obey an order. He was appropriately fired on the spot. Now all three are out of work.

Meantime the climate in our country has become more challenging. Racial and religious slurs are coming more frequently. Job applications are placed at the bottom of the pile. Yet they and we carry on. There is an unsinkable conviction, “America is the land of opportunity. We are blessed to be here. We are most grateful to all the people who are making great efforts and sacrifices to help us. We are determined to get our citizenship status and make a contribution to this country and to those who are supporting us. With God’s help we will not only survive but we will prosper.”