“Good Wife”: A Put-down Or A Compliment?

 It started very early in our married life. When Jane accompanied me to an event and especially if I was a featured speaker, Jane would usually be introduced to the group or to individuals. More often than not she would be introduced as “Mel’s good wife.” This happened especially at Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod gatherings and most especially if the person doing the introducing was a pastor.

It did not take me long to realize that whenever Jane heard herself introduced as “Mel’s good wife” she inwardly flinched. We talked about it and I understood. When she was simply “Mel’s good wife’ it identified her not so much as her own being as of one who got her identity because of her marriage status and her husband.

Of course, it those years (especially in the 1950”s) being “a good wife” carried with it a pretty well defined set of characteristics. It meant that the husband was the featured one. It meant that her role was that of obedient spouse.  This was especially true since the roles that women could play in the church were defined and limited. She could not be a pastor, not serve as congregation president, could not be asked to lead a prayer when men were in the group, etc. etc.

While this role assignment was informal in the churches I served in the USA it became formalized in official church documents when I became a missionary in Hong Kong. The official rules of the then Mission Board stated that wives of missionaries were also to be considered missionaries. However, they were not to be employed in any church related work nor were they allowed to receive any compensation for any services they might render on behalf of the church or any of its agencies.

Now in the year 2017 it can still happen occasionally that Jane is introduced as “Mel’s good wife”. But that is rare. Whether it is stated or not, what I want to affirm is that Jane is indeed “A good wife”. She loves me and forgives me. She shares with me in our roles as parents and grandparents. We are partners in ministry. Yet we also have our separate identities. We disagree about things. We have differing opinions in matter of food, drink, art, and church dogma.

Jane is much more than someone’s “good wife”. In Hong Kong she produced Sunday School materials for 10,000 children each week. She taught art and music and piano lessons, She served as an officer in the American Women’s Association of Hong Kong. . Later she gained her own role as a significant contributor to Women’s Effectiveness Training programs around the world. She was a featured speaker on gay rights at The Lutheran Church of Finland. When we moved to New York with The Lutheran Schools Association the schools staffs were wonderful in their affirmation of her strengths, her professionalism, her computer and editorial skills. On top of this she is excellent in oil painting, weaving and playing the piano. And when the need arose she has personally replaced the garbage disposal in our kitchen and the water pump in our car.

When I now, more rarely, hear Jane spoken of as “Mel’s good wife” I still cringe but I also affirm the designation. I consider her one of God’s greatest gifts to me and to many, many others. She is, indeed, a very good wife and more.

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