Reflections on a Long and Satisfying Life No.67: Parent Effectiveness Training

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When I resigned my position as Executive Director of Parish Education for The Lutheran Church I had no other job offering. However, almost immediately I received a wonderful opportunity. I was asked to be the director of a program called Parent Effectiveness Training. (PET) This program developed by Dr. Thomas Gordon was and is, by far, the most widely used program ever carried out to assist parents to be the best possible parents.   I had met Dr. Gordon when we at the Bd. For Parish Education adopted his model for the parent training we offered throughout the Lutheran Church. His financial advisor Thomas Blakistone had taken a liking for me and my set of talents and strongly advised him to hire me for this position. 

Our model consisted of us providing teaching instructions and materials to be used in classes which typically ran for three hours per session for 8 periods. Classes were taught by persons we trained in intensive full week-long instructor training workshops held-first in the USA and then around the world. Parents paid a fee to take the course, The instructor used our model and our materials and sent us a fee for each participant. It was a multi-million dollar operation and eventually was and is in practice around the world.

Key concepts which were taught included how to listen to and assist children experiencing personal problems. A key tool: active listening. We also stressed that unacceptable behavior needed to be confronted (without corporal punishment) with assertive I-messages. Conflicts were to be resolved in a no-lose win-win manner. Values are important and values collisions between parents and children must be satisfactorily resolved and communication skills for that were taught 

The model was adapted and taught for applications in other relationships and the courses were called Teacher Effectiveness Training, Youth Effectiveness Training, Leader Effectiveness Training, Clergy Effectiveness Training and Effectiveness Training for Women I had partners for each of those programs, plus a full-time editor, and about half a dozen other staff.

I thoroughly enjoyed doing some of the training myself-and conducted training for both instructors and parents. To this day (some 40 years later) one of the really great satisfactions I get is when people hear that I was associated with PET they tell me: “It changed my life. I learned then how to have great relationships with my kids and now that extends to my grandchildren!”

Another great satisfaction came from teaching Clergy Effectiveness. I taught this to leaders in all the major denominations and US military chaplains. My role took me to many countries around the world and I negotiated contracts or taught in Germany, Sweden, Norway, France The Netherlands, Switzerland, Finland, Pakistan, and China .PET continues to be adapted and used around the world in many languages and its current directors are Dr. Gordon’s widow Linda Adams and step-daughter Michelle Adams. 

One of the many lessons I learned while holding this position is that almost 100% of parents love their children and want to do a good job of raising them. They believe this is one of life’s most important duties. Yet there is almost never any formal training  for this vital task. And many parents feel that they are failing to be as effective in their parenting role as they would like. For me to have spent 8 years helping parents be the kinds of parents they really desire to be is indeed a most rewarding experience and I have many good memories of that period in my life.