Last Saturday
my wife Jane and I observed our 61st Wedding Anniversary. We did not make a big deal of it,
but we did note it with reflection, gratitude and anticipation. As a part of
that reminiscence I took a long reflective walk, but first I stopped at the
rose garden here, sat in the swing, looked at the names of some of the rose
varieties like Honor, Aromatic Therapy, Tahiti Sunset - all of which are part
of our decades of marriage. My mind wondered from Jane to the five kids who have
helped sustain and enrich our marriage for all these years. So even at the risk
of no one caring in the least I decided to write down just one admired
characteristic of each of our 5 kids whom the two of us happily and blessedly
call our greatest assets. Youngest to eldest:
JOHN:
John teaches me equanimity, patience, non-anxiousness. By this I mean he
teaches me not to fret too much, not to get too excited, worried or upset. He
teaches me that things will turn out okay, that issues can be resolved, that
“life moves not backwards nor tarries with yesterday” but moves forward in its
own good time and that is okay. He is doing that again in these weeks. Skip the
details but note that he is professoring in Hong Kong, his wife and two kids
live in Spain, both he and his wife have accepted teaching positions at
Stanford U for this fall. But to get from here to there is fraught with
challenges. Some of their household furniture is in Spain, some in Hong Kong.
Their young kids have already gone to school in Taipei, Barcelona, Bristol and
Madrid, had passed entrance exams at Hong Kong International and will next
month go to an as yet unnamed schools in Palo Alto with school starting in less
than a month. John's Spanish-citizen wife of 15 years, mother of his two
American-citizen children, with a PhD from Harvard and a signed contract from
Stanford is fighting, fighting to get an American visa. The failed USA
immigration system will not let her come earlier than 10 days before her work
starts, will not permit her to be a part-time employee, threatens to send her
home from JFK in New York if she lands using her “visa waiver”. In the midst of
this John rents a house, enrolls his kids, lines up teaching, ships household
goods from 2 continents, continues to serve as a very stressful Department head
at a university, pays the very expensive immigration attorney fees, meets major
donors, moves apartments and stay sane, doesn’t scream, overuse alcohol,
develop an ulcer, or need a therapist. John, thank you for teaching me serenity
in the midst of any storm.
LIZ: Liz
teaches me empathy, acceptance, genuineness. Never have I met a person who has
better exemplified the virtue of weeping with those who weep and rejoicing with
those who rejoice. When she chose to become a psychotherapist I knew she
would be great, but I wondered if she could leave the care of her patients in
her doctor’s office. She has convinced me that when she meets with a client she
is totally there; by the time she reaches her home her focus can shift to the
personal, to her family. I know that when appropriate her empathy moves her to
concrete actions. At other times she continues to teach me that empathic
acceptance presence is the rarest and truest form of love.
TIMOTHY: Tim
continues to teach me that life is more than one’s work. To my regret I never
learned that lesson in earlier years and so I doubly admire it in Tim. He has
turned down some significant promotions at work because the work and time
demanded of the position would have forces him to take away time from his
family, from his love of music, from his deep appreciation of nature and
camping and enjoying God’s creation. He is extremely gifted and has spent time
in the corner, fully-windowed office of the major HM which he has served for
well over 20 years. He does his work well, he is respected in his field, he
earns his generous salary, but his work is not his life. He shows his
commitment to his family and their values and to his passions. I am still
trying to learn from my son, my teacher , Tim.
PEGGY:
Peggy teaches me to have very high values and to then conform my life and
priorities to those values. When her 2 children were born she left full-time
employment to take care of her children because she values the
responsibilities and joys of motherhood. When she got interested in politics
she provided free room in her home to candidate staff, studied their
record, spoke openly and for publication about her opinions and values. When
she decided that she preferred spending time caring for plants even in short
spring, (New Hampshire springs and summers) she had her swimming pool filled in
so she had time to get her hands into the soil producing growing green plants.
When work demands get too heavy she sets aside the time to hike the mountains,
enjoy the waterfalls and allow herself the tiredness that comes from walking
under huge trees. When she sees her congregation struggle she volunteers to not
only to serve as its vice-president but to lead it through a strategic planning
process (because that is what she values and is good at). If integrity means
congruence between values and actions I need look no further than to my
daughter Peggy, a woman true to her magnificent values.
DAVID: Dave
teaches me to love and reach out to those whom others despise. When David
graduated from high school he had an exceptional academic and activities
record. His high school counselor called him into her office, told
him not to go into the ministry of the church because (she said) he was so
gifted that he could enroll in any college of his choice in any chosen
profession. Dave said, “No I want to be a teaching minister in the church!” And
that is what he became qualified for. Then it became clear that he was gay. And
with that reality a career in the church was impossible, for none of the
churches allowed openly gay people to serve as ministers. So he became a worker
on the streets of a wealthy suburb ministering especially to kids who were at
risk. During the AIDS epidemic David was the person whom dying AIDS patients
called. He was constantly in the cities of our country holding the hands of
dying people whose parents and friends had disowned them and who would have
died alone had not Dave been there holding them and praying with them and just
loving them. He became one of the founders of an organization called Lutherans
Concerned which 30 years later played a role in persons of all sexual
orientations being allowed ministerial status in most Lutheran churches. Just
recently he has been spending time remodeling a “granny flat" at his home
because he wants to make it available to persons who needs temporary housing
because they have been rejected, either because of their sexual orientation,
political beliefs (Think victims of torture from around the world) or otherwise
rejected by their parents. Wherever there is rejection of the innocent,
wherever there is someone who feels “nobody loves me’ that is where you will
find Dave with arms outstretched, no judgment. I am still trying to be more
like son Dave whose heart, and arms and even house are open to all.